Cherry earrings
I just talked to my ex-wife on the phone.
I always hated the "ex-" notion. It sounds so cliche, so shallow, so ego-centric, and utterly stupid. But I just don't know how else to call her. My old wife? It's not like she's 75. My previous wife? Nah, that sounds like I'm on a series. Same with "my first wife," or "my last wife". Which are technically true, but not really more sensible than the "ex-" version. I guess, well, she is my ex-wife after all.
She just called to let me know she'll come in tomorrow to pick her things up. The various bits that were still here, that is. I'll be at work, so I'll just leave the keys at the grocer's, she's left her set at her parent's. That feels strange, she has to get the keys from the grocery guy to let herself in now. Well, life.. You can never bathe in the same river twice.
She sounded happy. That makes me happy. Well that too sounded too cliche, but I didn't mean it that way. I'm feeling more relaxed, more easy, more comfortable, and eventually more happy since we divorced. And that kind of made me feel guilty. Now that I know she's also happier, I'm happy without feeling bad.
I had really loved her. I guess I still do, but not as I used to. I don't mean less, I mean, well, different. As an old close friend, perhaps? I don't know. Just not the same. We both suffered a lot. We used to drive each other mad at times, literally. Well, most of the time, lately. It feels much more "right" this way.
Why am I writing this? I don't know. Just in case I post some more lyrics, so be warned, I think I'll go get some more beer.
Experience is everything.
4 comments:
I suppose your ex-wife doesn't have access to your blog ... ?
I would talk and share with pleasure if I didn't suspect certain persons of poking around and reading...
What I have understood about ends of relationships is pretty basic.
The end comes when you realize your past was built on mistakes.
There are different ways of reactions to that realization. I've lived through a few, none of them quite as optimistic as what your current story sounds like :)
That reaction can be detachment. Not wanting to face the mistakes. Forgetting, ignoring.
It can be a desperate attempt at fixing those mistakes. By building a friendship, for instance.
So if the friendship doesn't work, what does it mean ? Maybe the mistakes can't be fixed.
I don't think I have enough distance to actually theorize all this, but it's very interesting to reflect upon it. Each individual's experience is the source of an enrichment available to all.
I like your single-item checklist about endings. =)
I think the worst kind of mistake in a relationship is one that breaks hearts. I believe it can never be fully mended.
Like when you cut yourself deeply. You can get it stitched, and it heal over time. It won't hurt anymore, but the stitch mark will stay forever. What's done is done, there's no way to reverse it. Not with apologies, even they're sincere.
I don't use my real name, and I've never told my ex-wife about this blog, so I think she'll never get to read. If she does come upon randomly, she might find out it's me, picking up all the personal things I write about my life. But I tend to think it's a small possibility, it helps me write whatever I want.
I protest =P There are TWO items in my list !!
=))
I meant this one:
"The end comes when you realize your past was built on mistakes."
The other two items are possible reactions to this one, no?
Lol, I'm trying convince you what you said..
Post a Comment